Zero's holy sword
by TBman
Summary: Louise summons a familiar from the Soul Eater universe, but is she the real master?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Soul Eater or Familiar of Zero.

Author's note: I'm going to assume you've seen the first episode of Familiar of Zero so I can skip to the good part. If you haven't, go and watch it, it's good.

* * *

A massive cloud of black smoke engulfed the court yard, those not covering their eyes looked on in amazed disbelief. Louise "the zero" Francoise, who couldn't perform even the simplest of spells, had summoned her familiar on the first try!

The smoke began to dissipate, cut through by beams of pure light. There were even trumpets announcing its arrival! Louise waited with wide-eyed wonder, what kind of strong, beautiful, and amazing familiar had she summoned? The smoke finally cleared, the light dimmed, the trumpets stopped, they could all see the familiar. At that moment, everyone's astonishment transmuted to confusion. No-one could quite make out what the familiar was. A short, white creature with two unblinking eyes the size of saucers and a huge, pointed snout, but no visible nose or mouth.

It was even clothed with a top hat, shirt, lace collar, and held a cane, all of which were white. Strangely, it wore no pants. Louise stood there dumbfounded, unmoving apart from her twitching eyebrow. "What is it?" whispered someone from the crowd. "How strange", "I can't believe I was impressed at first", "Leave it to Louise to screw up a spell", a few others merely giggled.

"You…You're my familiar?" asked Louise. "You were supposed to be beautiful and amazing, not some…freakish bird thing". "Freakish? You're one to talk" it said in a deep, masculine voice. He pointed his cane at her and demanded "WHO ARE YOU, WHY HAVE YOU SUMMONED ME?"

"I am your master now and-"

"My legend dates back to the 12th century, thank you very much" he interrupted.

"How dare you interr-"

He shoved the cane back in her face, "Judging by your garb, you must be some kind of witch. WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"

"I will not be spoken to like this!" she said, swatting the cane away.

"I'll ask again, WHO ARE YOU?" pointing the cane at her face again.

"I am Louise Francoise Le-"

"Yes-yes I know that"

"Then why did you ask?" she said swatting the cane again.

"FOOL! You have failed the first test!"

Exasperated, Louise turned and called for one of the professors. Up walked a bald man wearing glasses and a black scholar's uniform, a few students followed him as well. "Professor Colbert", asked Louise, "May I try the spell again?" The professor looked remorseful and replied "I'm afraid not Ms. Francoise, the summoning of the familiar is the most sacred of-"

"FOOL!"

"Ex-excuse me?" asked Colbert.

"Do you know who you're dealing with?"

"No I-"

"Have you not read my best-selling autobiography?"

"This is highly irreg-"

"VERY WELL; if you insist upon it I shall tell you of my legend."

"What we insist upon" said Louise "is for-"

"My mornings begin with a cup of hot coffee and cream. My afternoons consist of hot tea with 2 lumps of sugar, and my-"

"ENOUGH!" shouted Louise.

* * *

To be continued

Sorry it's so short, but it's been sitting in my computer for weeks. I'll try to make the next one longer.


	2. Chapter 2

"Shush, it's rude to interrupt. Now, where was I?" said the familiar.

"SILENCE!" shouted Louise. "As your master I command you to-", she was stopped by a stack of papers the familiar shoved in her face.

"What is this?" she asked, annoyed.

"If you wish to be my meister, there are 1,000 provisions you must follow. Please read them carefully."

"This is ridiculous! First you embarrass me in front of the school and now you start making demands of me?!"

She glanced down at the top page, "I don't even understand the language it's in!"

"I'm especially excited for provision 452, the 5 hour story telling party."

"Are you even listening to me?"

"FOOL, do you know what my hat is made of?"

"AAAAGGGGHH, you are completely insane!" shouted Louise while throwing the papers back in his face with such force that they became neatly impaled on his nose.

"Louise", said professor Colbert, "I know you're frustrated by your familiar's…behavior, but you must continue the ceremony."

Taken aback by this, she stammered "Bu-but professor-"

"You must, or you will be expelled."

Swallowing her pride, Louise turned back to the creature while muttering "I can't believe I have to kiss this thing."

The familiar must have had good hearing, because when she faced him, he was lying on his side with his legs crossed and head supported on his hand in a provocative manner on top of a pink, heart shaped bed wearing a red button down shirt and sporting a ridiculous black moustache and curly patch of chest hair. On the side by his head was a nightstand with a bucket of ice holding some kind of wine, on the other side was a strange box with a trumpet attached to it that was somehow playing music; To top it all off, he was holding a long stemmed rose in his mouth/snout.

"Did someone say kiss?" he said.

Louise's jaw hit the ground; everyone else did the same while laughing.

She turned slowly back to look at Prof. Colbert one final time. All he did was shrug and shake his head as if to say _Sorry but I've got nothing._ So with all other options exhausted, she kissed the thing. "AAAAGH!" it grabbed its wrist in pain, "What is this pain in my hand?!" the creature screamed.

"The mark of the familiar is being burned into your hand." Replied the professor, "it will be over so-"

*POP*

"Ah, that's better." said the familiar while shaking his hand as if to loosen it.

"…What?" asked Louise

"Provision 41: I require periodic wrist and hand massages or my carpal tunnel starts acting up."

Too exhausted to protest, Louise sighed and asked "Do you have a name?"

"AH yes, where are my manners? ("_Where indeed?_" thought Louise.) I am the Holy Sword…EXCALIBUR!"

"You don't look like a sword."

"FOOL! That is because I am not in my sword form yet."

"Of course, what was I thinking?" she said sarcastically.

While they kept talking, the professor rubbed his chin in puzzlement. _Why does that name sound familiar? _He thought.

*Later that night*

Louise opened the door to her (now their) dormitory and went straight to her wardrobe to change for bed.

"It's been a long day." She said. "We should rest up for classes tomorrow."

"Yes" replied Excalibur "That is most wise; you must be well rested if you wish to hear of my many exploits without fainting from exhaustion."

"_Ugg, how full of himself can a guy be?" _she thought.

"Now, where shall we sleep?" he asked.

"There's a pile of hay on the floor over there."

"That's quite generous of you."

"Of course, a master always takes care of her familiar."

"Very well, do try to stay warm down there."

She froze for a split second, trying to process what she just heard. "What?" she asked and turned to see Excalibur in his pajamas, and worse, in her BED!

"What do you think you're doing?!" she screamed.

"Trying to get some sleep." He replied, rubbing the side of his head where his ear should have been.

"You're supposed to sleep in the HAY!"

He held up a sheet of paper, part of his list of provisions no doubt. "Provision 408: I am to have free range over all beds, couches, chairs, chez lounges, lawn furniture, etc."

"Where am I supposed to sleep then?!" she hissed through her teeth.

He turned to look at her, propped his head on his hand and with the rose in his mouth again he said "There's room for both of us." and winked.

In a mix of fury and humiliation, her cheeks turned as pink as her hair.


End file.
